fear

now, well yesterday me followed kak nurul to sim lim to look at laptops den after that we both went to Abdul Aleem Siddiqiue mosque to hear Sheikh Hisham Kabbani talk. It was very interesting, very POWER hehez. i dunno wad to say, he reaffirmed many of my ideas, and thoughts as wella sthe teacheings that my parent and teachers have been teaching me, i learnt many new things too, liek how to answer ppl queries and my duty as a muslim. during his zikir, i dunno i felt fear...i was afraid not of him or anybody else, but rather of Allah's punnishment. i sumhow at that moment of time when he was talking abt Allah's camera and when they were saying atarghfirullah over and over again, my mind replayed back all the times i knew i have sinned. what made me feela fraid more was that i have sinned not out of ignorence but because at that moment i juz choose to forget or ignore Allah's command or i am too weak to resist the temptaion. this to me juz makes the situation more serious. i mean i would not be angry if suone does something wrong when he does not knoe it, but when he knoes it then its a totally diffrent matter. all i can hope is that ALlah will forgive me and that i wil have more strength and courage to stand up to these temptaions and give them a stragiht and firm 'NO'. i dunno if i was sincere or not or if it was juz at the moment kinda thing, but man i was crying... i aws trying rael hard to hold back my tears, my eyes were filling up with tears anyways despite all my trying. the lesn of my specs blurred becuz of the tears on it. futhermore i was shivering, liek a dry leaf in teh wind. i felt this feeling before, like durign friday prayers when teh imam says the Doa and we all go "amin" but i have not felt one so intense till last nite. the people around me were saying thier zikir very loudly and full of feeling. i felt unclean, like i m unworthy to do it, like i have sinned alot and that i am uinworthy to say Allah's name, or to zikir with them. it was liek they were on a totaly diffrent plane esp the shiekh and im well on sumwher below mayb equivvalent to sumthing liek a zillion km below sea level. it wa sall so loud and so intense, yet it felt as though that the zikir had sumhow, even if only a little cleanse me, is umhwo feel tghe fear and love for Allah in a more deeper sense and this im thankful.

Today i went for the other Sheikh Hisham Kabbani's talk at darul ghufran. though not intense as yestereay his words were very wise. as usal learnt alot but this time mum & dad followed. met mak uda and along khairul on the awy home and i guess thats abt it la. wads qutie intresting is when the Sheikh was giving out the Ijazah, or biyah to the other Nashakbandi followers.

Both of the talks that attended really opened up my eyse as well as mhy heart. it was a very powerful expireince indeed.